A Prayer for a Second Chance
by HikerLady
Summary: This takes place sometime after season 4. It was inspired by the Tumblr discussion about Lucien's tendency to hold his hand over his right abdomen. When Lucien becomes seriously ill, Jean realizes just how much she has been holding back in their relationship. She promises to focus on her future and give Lucien her whole heart if he recovers.
1. Chapter 1

**Not only is this my first attempt at a FanFic, it is the first story I have written since I was in high school a thousand years ago! This idea came from the discussion about why Lucien holds his hand over his lower, right abdomen so much. I am taking some liberties as far as the medical stuff is concerned, but if our medical dramas on TV in the states can do it, I figure so can I. I hope my fellow DBM fans enjoy this. Thanks for all the encouragement to write something.**

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Jean was slightly annoyed as she and Charlie sat at the dinner table waiting on Lucien. Just 20 minutes ago, she had brought him a whisky and told him when dinner would be ready. Lucien had not been late for dinner or been thoughtless on any occasion since they had become engaged, so this was a bit out of character for him now. She was about to throw a tea towel over Lucien's plate to keep his dinner warm and tuck into her own meal, when she remembered Lucien didn't seem like he was feeling very well earlier. She told Charlie to start without her and left the kitchen to find Lucien. She went straight to his surgery and had already said, "Lucien, dinner is on the table!" before she stopped short. Lucien was not in his surgery, and what was even more troubling was the glass of whisky that stood on his desk untouched. Even when Lucien had been under the weather before, he always drank his nightly whisky(s).

The first pang of concern coursed through Jean's body as she thought about Lucien's state when he arrived home. She noticed he seemed a bit lethargic and pale when he came through the door over an hour ago. Even his attempt at a cheery smile did not fool her and she asked if he was feeling okay. When he had replied that he was just a bit tired, she chalked it up to his working long hours on a case and not getting enough sleep. Now, she wondered if her fiancé was really just tired and she felt just a little bit guilty at not being more persistent with him earlier. Jean crossed the hall and knocked softly on his bedroom door. She was hoping he was just changing into one of his cardigans and would open the door, pull her into his arms and give her a kiss like he had done so many times before. When she did not hear anything, she knocked again before opening his door. The scene before her did nothing to ease her worrying; Lucien lay on his bed, fully clothed, sleeping. She could not remember Lucien ever having a nap before (at least not without her), so this was highly unusual. She walked over to his bed and sat down next to him. She gently stroked his cheek, with the intention of waking him, but was slightly alarmed at how hot his skin felt under her fingers. He definitely had a fever and the fact that he continued to sleep worried her even more. She tried to think back over the previous days in an attempt to remember any signs of Lucien becoming ill that she might have missed. The only thing that came to mind was she had noticed that he seemed to be grunting a bit more when he was sitting down or standing up. He also seemed to be placing his hand over his lower right abdomen more than usual. She had always thought this was a nervous gesture of some sort and when she asked him about it one time, he had just said it was nothing. Now, she started to think that maybe it was more than just a gesture or habit and was actually something he did out of discomfort. This surely appeared to be the case in the last few days anyway.

Jean bent down and gave Lucien a kiss on the cheek before heading back to the kitchen. Charlie was almost finished with his meal and, noticing the concerned look on Jean's face, he asked her if everything was okay. "Not really Charlie. The doctor is ill and is running a fever. I am going to see if I can get him to take some aspirin and put a cool cloth on his head." Jean ran a washcloth under some cool water and filled a glass with cold water as well. Jean hated to wake Lucien; perhaps he just needed a good night's rest. Her concern over his fever won out in the end and she stroked his cheek and said his name until he awoke. Jean thought he really must feel terrible. Even when he had been unwell in the past, he always put on a brave face for Jean. She remembered the fights he had been in and the time he was almost crushed under a car. She knew he had injuries that must have really hurt, but Lucien never showed an ounce of pain. This time, however, he looked and sounded miserable. Jean helped Lucien sit up and handed him the aspirin and the glass of water. "Take these darling. They will help you feel better." Lucien did not protest and did what he was told. Although seeing Lucien like this upset Jean, she did her best to hide it and smiled brightly as she asked him if he was at all hungry and if he would like her to bring his dinner to him. "No, thank you Jean. I really have no appetite and just want to sleep." He gave her a small smile, which only made Jean's heart break a little more. Feeling a bit helpless, Jean put the washcloth on Lucien's head and decided it would be best to let him get his rest. With another kiss on his cheek, she left the room.

As she sat on the couch knitting later that evening, she felt very much alone. It was one thing for Lucien to be out on a case, but it was completely different for him to be in the house and not sitting next to Jean with an arm around her. Even though Charlie was in the same room reading a book, Jean felt lonely. She knew she was terrible company, so she finally said goodnight to Charlie and headed upstairs to bed. She had been tempted to check on Lucien, but she decided it would be best to let him rest. She was sure a good night's sleep and the aspirin would work wonders for him.

Jean awoke with a start early the next morning. Looking at her clock, she saw it was just nearing 04:00. She had not slept well at all and must have woken up at least once every hour worrying about Lucien. She couldn't place her finger on why she was so concerned. She had cared for sick loved ones before, but something just felt different this time. Lucien had no other symptoms to explain the sudden fever. Donning her old pink robe, Jean crept downstairs to Lucien's room. She was hoping he would be back to his old self and she smiled at the thought of her giggling as Lucien pulled her down into bed with him and wrapped his arms around her. However, as Jean walked into his room, even in the dim light, she could tell right away that he was still ill. As she turned on the bedside lamp, Jean's stomach clinched with worry. Although Lucien was drenched in sweat, he was shaking from head to toe. She felt his forehead and was immediately alarmed at how hot he felt. She knew she had to get his temperature under control, so she started pleading with him to wake up. She needed to get him into a cold bath and said a silent prayer of thanks for the new bathroom in the studio. Lucien had added the bathroom and a new water heater in anticipation of them using the studio as their bedroom once they were married. Lucien only balled up in the fetal position and begged Jean to find a warmer blanket for him. "Please Lucien," Jean begged him, "Please help me help you."

It was a full hour later when Jean finally had Lucien back in bed after getting him into a cold, albeit a very brief, bath. Although he was burning up with fever, Lucien felt like he was freezing. He was reluctant to let Jean strip him down to his underwear, and flat out whined when she helped him into the tub. If Jean had not been so worried about him, she would have given in to his protests. She felt very sorry for him and knew she was making him more uncomfortable, but she needed to keep his temperature from getting any higher. Now, back in his bed, wearing nothing more than his robe, he seemed exhausted. In his feverish state, Lucien kept muttering about the war and clutched his abdomen again. When Lucien was in the bath, Jean noticed a rather large, irregular scar on his abdomen. She briefly wondered if that scar still bothered him, but her mind was too preoccupied with his current state to give it too much thought. Jean was genuinely worried now. She had given him more aspirin and tortured the poor man with a dunk in cold water, but his temperature was still alarmingly high. She tried to sooth him as best she could while she struggled to think of what to do next. Jean pressed a cold cloth to Lucien's forehead as she whispered, "it's okay my love, I am here. I will take care of you" over and over again.

Jean was surprised when she heard Charlie coming down the stairs. She hadn't realized it was so late and went out to tell him that the doctor was still ill and Charlie would have to get his own breakfast. Charlie could see the worry on Jean's face and suggested she call Dr. Harvey. A wave of relief swept through Jean's body. Of course! Why hadn't she thought to call Alice before now? Jean was sure Alice would be able to help and headed to Lucien's study to make the call. Jean, who had been worried Alice would have already left for work, breathed a sigh of relief when her friend answered the phone and said she would be over straight away. Jean was sure Alice could help Lucien and, once again, a wave of relief swept over her. She went back to Lucien's room with a little more hope. As Jean pressed a fresh, cold cloth to Lucien's forehead, he continued to mutter something about the war. Jean told him that Alice was on her way and that he would be better soon. Jean alternated between telling Lucien she loved him and that he would feel better soon and kissing him on the cheek. She could feel the heat radiate beneath her lips with each kiss and silently urged Alice to hurry.

Although it took Alice less than 20 minutes to get to the Blake household, it seemed like an eternity to Jean. Lucien was always so strong; he was such a steady, calm presence in her life. It was hard for Jean to see him so sick and vulnerable. Jean, who was expecting Alice to tell her she was overreacting and worrying too much, noticed Alice's alarmed expression when she first laid eyes on Lucien. Alice asked how long Lucien had been in this state as she examined her friend and coworker. As Alice took Lucien's temperature, Jean filled her in on the events since Lucien arrived home the previous night. She also told Alice about Lucien's feverish mutterings and his tendency to press on the scar on his abdomen. When Lucien muttered something that sounded like "It's from the war," a look of concern passed over Alice's face and she quickly opened Lucien's robe enough to expose the scar on his lower abdomen. She noticed an unusual amount of redness around the scar and placed her hand on the skin surrounding the area. As hot as the rest of Lucien's body was, the area around the scar was much warmer. Jean noticed Alice's look of alarm and the gnawing in her belly that had been bothering her all morning grew even worse. Alice asked Jean where the nearest phone was and immediately headed to Lucien's study. Jean had to trot after Alice as she headed towards the study and was just asking Alice what she was doing when Alice spoke into the phone with a clear sense of urgency. "This is Dr. Alice Harvey. I need an Ambo sent to Dr. Blake's surgery at once. Tell the surgeon on call to prepare the operating room. I believe Dr. Blake needs surgery immediately. Please hurry." Alice turned to see Jean with one hand over her mouth and the other clenching her stomach. She looked absolutely horrified and tears were beginning to form in the corners of her eyes. "Alice, what is it? What's going on?

"Jean," Alice replied as calmly as possible, "I believe Lucien has an acute infection –either appendicitis or as a result from a foreign body left over from an old war injury. Since he did not have any of the usual symptoms of appendicitis, I am leaning toward the latter. For whatever reason, his body is rejecting something and it is making him very sick."

As Jean rushed back to Lucien's bedroom, Alice followed and tried to reassure her as much as possible. Jean sat next to Lucien, who was muttering something that neither of the women could understand. Jean leaned over Lucien and kissed him. She begged him to hold on and to stay with her. As tears ran down Jean's face, she told him she was sorry for not getting him help sooner.

"Jean," Alice tried to soothe her friend, "There was no way you could have known Lucien was so sick. He must have been experiencing some pain for a few days and obviously hid it from you. In fact, you very well may have saved his life by making him take that cold bath. It must have kept his temperature in check for a while anyway."

Jean was now leaning with her head on Lucien's chest and crying openly, so Alice stopped talking and just tried to sooth Jean by rubbing her back in between Jeans sobs. Finally, Alice thought she could hear the faint sounds of sirens and let out a quiet sigh, willing her friend to hold on a little longer.


	2. Chapter 2: Bargaining

Chapter 2: Bargaining

 **Warning: There is not much action in this chapter. It's mostly angst and thinking a lot about guilt and love. Maybe a bit too fluffy, but I still hope you enjoy.**

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As Jean watched Lucien being loaded into the Ambo, the truth came crashing down on her – he was in real trouble. She did not fight the tears that streamed down her face. She was terrified this would be the last time she would see Lucien alive, so she begged the driver to let her ride in the back with him. Somehow, she thought that if she could just stay by his side, she could keep him alive. If he could feel her holding his hand and hear her telling him she loved him, maybe he would not leave her. When the driver gently protested, Alice stepped in and told him that it may actually help the patient if Jean stayed with him. Alice knew how much Lucien loved Jean, and even though she was not sure he would even be aware of Jean's presence, she too thought he would keep fighting if Jean stayed with him.

The ride to the hospital was very quick, and the hospital staff was ready and waiting. Lucien was wheeled straight to the operating room, where at last, Jean was told she had to let go of Lucien's hand and wait in the corridor. Jean, who had been telling Lucien she loved him and to keep fighting since they had left their house, let out a small cry as she felt his hand slip from hers and watched the love of her life disappear behind the operating room door. "Please God," she begged, "please don't let this be the last time I see him alive." Feeling helpless and afraid, Jean finally sat down in the chair closest to the operating room, buried her face in her hands, and wept.

The surgeon had requested that Alice assist him, so Jean was alone in the corridor when Matthew found her. Charlie had phoned Rose and then given her and her uncle a ride to the hospital. Matthew sat down next to Jean, and just put his arm around her. Jean, who thought she could not possibly have any more tears left, let a few more fall down her cheeks. She continued to cry as she saw Charlie and Rose come in and sit on her other side. As scared and helpless as she felt, having her friends – Lucien's friends – by her side, did provide some comfort.

Jean was finally able to compose herself enough to tell them what had happened. Charlie was horrified and was beating himself up for not realizing how serious the situation was, and for leaving Jean alone instead of calling in late for work. Matthew, who was very worried about his friend, knew he had to stay positive for Jean. He had never seen Jean look like this before, and he had certainly never seen her show so much emotion in public. She was always so neat and well groomed. Her clothes and hair were completely disheveled this morning, and it was obvious that she had been crying for at least an hour. Matthew was worried about her too. Jean had had enough heartbreak in her life. She was a strong woman who had persevered through so much, but he was not sure she could bounce back if anything happened to Lucien.

"Jean," Matthew said. "Lucien will be okay. I have known him for a long time, and I have never met a braver or a tougher man. He loves you very much. He has finally found happiness and I just cant see him leaving you."

As yet another tear streamed down her cheek, Jean smiled weakly, and said, "Thank you Matthew. I know he is strong, and I know he will fight. I just hope he has enough fight left in him. I can promise you this Matthew. If he does pull through, I will never let a day go by without letting that man know how much I love him. After all he has been through, he deserves all the happiness he can get."

Matthew squeezed Jean's hand and just replied, "I know you will Jean."

Tragic or shocking events can often bring out repressed or subconscious thoughts or emotions in people, and such was the case with Jean. While they waited for any word on Lucien's condition, the gnawing in Jean's stomach grew worse. She realized it was not just the worry that was causing what felt like a lead weight in her stomach. There was regret too. Facing the possibility of losing Lucien finally made her see just how much she had been holding back in their relationship. She knew she had been doing this out of guilt over Christopher; however, the self-reproach she felt was not just caused by her wanting to move on with her life. With a jolt, Jean suddenly realized just why she felt so guilty - she loved Lucien with an intensity she had never felt with Christopher. She was ashamed at finally admitting this to herself, but she could not help the way she felt. She had loved Christopher very much and he had given her two sons. She had been hesitant to give Lucien her whole heart because she thought doing so was a disservice to her dead husband. Now, she finally understood that holding back had actually been a disservice to Lucien.

How could she have been such a fool? Why did it take the very real possibility of losing Lucien to finally make her see that she should have been focusing on her future all along? She was sure Christopher would want her to be happy, even if it meant being in love and sharing her life with another man. It was obvious that Lucien was besotted with Jean; once he had finally told her he loved her, the floodgates had opened on his end. Jean, for her part, was head over heels for Lucien too; however; she was much more reserved with her feelings and only let her guard down when they were alone. During these times, although she wanted to continue cuddling and kissing on the couch as much as Lucien did – in fact, she often fantasized about letting things go a bit farther - Jean was always the first to pull back and say goodnight.

As she sat there in that cold corridor with her stomach in knots, Jean thought about what she had told Matthew and silently renewed her vow that she would tell Lucien how much she loved him every day for the rest of her life. Once more, she begged God to give her a second chance to show Lucien that he was the most important thing in the world to her. She prayed she would have the opportunity for Lucien to hold her again. More than anything in the world, Jean wanted to feel Lucien's strong arms around her, while she buried her head in his chest and breathed in his scent.

As Jean was trying to wrap her brain around what her heart had known all along, the operating door swung open, and the surgeon walked out with Alice right behind him. The lead weight in Jean's stomach grew even heavier and her heart began to pound in her chest so hard, she was sure everyone in the hallway would hear it. As Matthew squeezed the arm he had around her and Charlie held her free hand, all Jean could think was "Please God, let the news be good."

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 **More to follow. I didn't intend to leave it here, but I wanted to put something up now, rather than wait another week.**


	3. Chapter 3: 24 Hours

Chapter 3: 24 Hours

 **Thank you to seven-dragons for your wonderful short story called "Scars." I have referenced it in this chapter. This is getting a bit long and Jean seems to have an endless amount of tears, but there is gratuitous forearm porn. Please just push the "I believe" button for all medical issues. Thank you for all your kind reviews, and I hope you enjoy.**

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"I am not quite sure how he did it, but the doctor made it through surgery. "

These were the first words out of the surgeon's mouth, and Jean almost broke down with relief as she realized Lucien was still alive.

"I am not going to lie to you Mrs. Beazley," the surgeon went on, "Lucien is still very sick and this first 24 hours are critical. I will let Dr. Harvey fill you in on all the details, but I promise you, we are doing everything we can for him. Dr. Harvey was correct in her assumption that Lucien's sudden illness was brought on by a wartime injury. We were able to remove the bullet and clean out all the infected tissue, and we will continue to give him as much antibiotics as possible. We are going to keep him sedated as well. Hopefully, this will help his body put all its energy into the healing process. I'm sorry I can't make any promises; it's just very difficult to know how his body will respond at this point."

"May I see him? _Please_?" Jean was desperate to be with Lucien.

"Usually, with such sick patients, hospital protocol does not allow for any visitors outside of the immediate family." Seeing the crestfallen look on Jean's face, followed by a flash of anger in her eyes, the surgeon quickly went on, "However, I knew Thomas Blake and have known Lucien for a long time. He is an excellent doctor and a good man, so I think we can look the other way in this case. Besides, Dr. Harvey thinks it might actually help Lucien to have you by his side. You may see him as soon as he is out of recovery and gets settled in a room. "

"Thank you. Thank you." Jean smiled and tears streamed down her face. She was so appreciative they were bending the rules for her, but in the back of her mind, she knew that she would have forced her way into his room one way or the other. Still, she was very happy she would not have to sneak around just to see him.

As the surgeon walked away, Jean immediately started to pepper Alice with questions. Jean couldn't believe Lucien had been walking around with a bullet lodged inside him for all these years. How could she have missed the signs that Lucien was feeling ill or in pain? Charlie moved over so Alice could sit down next to Jean. She could see Jean was just upsetting herself even more, so she held her hand up in an attempt to calm her down.

"Jean, I will tell you everything you want to know, but first, how are you doing? When was the last time you had anything to eat or drink?" Alice was worried about her friend and did not need to add Jean to the list of current patients. Lord knows she had cried so much; the poor woman was probably dehydrated from that alone.

"Oh, I'm just great Alice," Jean snapped. "The man I love is fighting for his life, I feel like I have a lead weight in my stomach, I feel completely helpless, and you are asking me about my meal schedule!" Jean immediately softened and apologized. After all, Lucien would probably be dead if it were not for Alice, and she did help persuade the surgeon to bend the rules for Jean. "Oh Alice, I am just so worried."

"I know you are Jean, but you are not going to do Lucien any good if you make yourself sick. Please at least have something to drink while I fill you in on all the details about the surgery."

Alice was able to scrounge a cup of tea from the Nurses' station. After handing it to Jean, she sat down and filled Jean, Matthew, Charlie and Rose in on Lucien's operation. Once the surgeon made the incision, it was obvious there was something that had caused an abscess. They had to cut away a lot of infected and dead tissue and finally located a 6.5mm round embedded in Lucien's abdomen. Alice explained that doctors often make the call to leave a bullet in the body as long as it is not life threatening or going to cause more damage. The risk of anesthesia and cutting a patient open often outweigh the risk of leaving the bullet alone. When a slug enters the body, it is white hot and usually sterilizes the surrounding tissue. People can go their entire lives without ever having side effects. In Lucien's case, for whatever reason, the bullet began to move, and once it penetrated the tissue in which it had been encapsulated, it started to erode. Alice said that Lucien probably felt some pain from time to time, but must have assumed it was just the scar tissue bothering him. She could not say how long he would have experienced symptoms, but she said it was obvious that his symptoms had gotten much worse in the last few days. It was hard to know if and how much the infection might spread. If they were successful in the operating room and their follow-on care, Lucien should start improving within 24 hours. If not, Lucien's life may be out of their hands.

Jean, who was beginning to feel a bit numb, said nothing. She was racking her brain, trying to think of what she could have missed. Why hadn't she asked him if something was wrong when she noticed him grunting more than usual when he stood up or sat down? Why had she not insisted he tell her why he always pressed on his abdomen? She tried to focus on the last few days in particular. He must have shown signs he was unwell, or at least uncomfortable. The night before he came home and went to bed, Jean had hosted the sewing circle. Had he shown any signs of illness then? He hadn't come in and chatted with her and her friends, even though he had been doing this since they had gotten engaged. Jean just assumed he had work to do, and although her friends seemed a little disappointed they did not get to see the charming doctor, Jean thought nothing of it. Whenever she was busy with the sewing circle, she always left Lucien's dinner in the oven for him. Had he eaten his dinner that night? If only she had sat at the table with him, surely she would have noticed something.

Alice, who seemed to be reading Jean's mind, said, "Jean, this is not your fault. There is no way you could have know Lucien was so sick. Even if you had noticed he was sick a day or two sooner, you know Lucien would not have gone to the hospital or even agreed to let me examine him."

Matthew and Charlie both nodded in agreement. Charlie said he hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary either and Matthew just said Lucien was too stubborn for his own good. Jean knew all three of them were right, but she still felt like she had let Lucien down. He was so attentive with her, she was sure that if the roles had been reversed, Lucien would have picked up on Jean's discomfort the minute it started.

Despite his tendency to ruffle a few feathers every now and then, Lucien was very well liked in the community and had some very loyal friends. As was usually the case in Ballarat, news travelled fast, and before long, the corridor began filling with people who were there to support both Lucien and Jean. Many of the coppers from the station were there and were circled around Charlie. The ladies from the sewing circle had all given Jean a quick hug. Evelyn Toohey told Jean she had gone to the house and phoned all the patients who had appointments for the rest of the week to let them know they would have to reschedule once the doctor had recovered. When she offered to help Jean around the house, Jean was very grateful, but asked her to just shut Lucien's door and leave his bedroom alone. Many of Lucien's patients were there as well. To Jean's surprise, Agnes Clasby did not have any snide remarks about Jean's appearance, and Jean even noticed her eyes were rather red and puffy. Even Patrick Tyneman had come to check on Lucien, and Jean was surprised to see that he looked genuinely concerned. Although Jean was touched by this show of support, it was the site of Cec Drury that made the lump in Jean's throat grow even larger. Cec had known Lucien since he was a little boy, and Jean could tell that Cec was holding back tears of his own. He just grabbed Jeans hands and said Lucien had survived worse.

Jean was just about to thank Cec, when Alice took her by the arm and said she could see Lucien now. Jean asked Cec if he would please thank everyone who had shown up to support Lucien. Since Lucien was sedated, she asked him to please tell them that the best thing they could all do was to go home and keep Lucien in their prayers. She smiled and thanked Cec, and then followed Alice down the hall. As Jean walked towards Lucien's room, she couldn't believe she was finally going to see him. Although she had seen Lucien only a few hours ago, it seemed like a lifetime to Jean. Alice stopped outside a room that was directly across from the nurses' station. She explained this was deliberate so the medical staff would literally be right outside Lucien's door. "Are you ready Jean?"

The lump in Jean's throat made it hard for her to speak, so she just nodded as a single tear trickled down her cheek. Alice squeezed her friend's arm and told her to go in there and talk to Lucien. Even though Alice was not convinced Lucien would hear her, she urged Jean to tell Lucien anything that might make him want to fight harder. Jean just smiled weakly, took a big breath, and walked into the room.

Jean immediately noted that the antibiotics and fluids were being pumped into Lucien's left arm, so she quickly crossed to the right side of his bed and took his hand in hers. If Jean thought she was prepared to see Lucien, she was mistaken. Her heart sank as she looked at her fiancé. He lay there, bare-chested, with the bed sheet pulled up to his waist. There was a large bandage over his abdomen where the surgeon had done his best to fix Lucien. If not for the slight rise and fall of his chest as he took shallow breaths, Jean would have thought he was dead. Lucien, who never seemed to be pale, even in the middle of winter, was an alarming shade of grey now. Even his cheeks, which were usually a bit rosy, looked ashen. Jean leaned over Lucien and kissed him on one of those cheeks, leaving one of her tears there. She noticed he was still warm, but he was not nearly as hot as he had been on the way to the hospital. As she held his hand, Jean felt more tears running down her cheeks, and briefly wondered if crying was her new normal now. Seeing Lucien like this was almost unbearable. She had never realized just how vibrant Lucien had always been…until now.

Alice, who suspected that Jean would be alarmed by Lucien's appearance, had lingered in the doorway. "Jean, I know it's hard for you to see him like this. But, keep in mind that we have sedated him, so this may explain why he seems so…lifeless." Alice was hoping she was correct, and that Lucien would regain some of his vitality when they brought him out of sedation. She hated to use that word, but lifeless was the only description that came to mind. Lucien was usually so exuberant and had such a strong presence; it was unnerving to see him like this. "Remember Jean, just talk to him and tell him anything that might make him want to come back to you."

Once Alice left, Jean sat down and took Lucien's hand. She gently stroked it as she told him how much she loved him over and over again. Lucien had told her that he had always spoken to his surgical patients because he believed they could hear him on some subconscious level. Jean hoped he was right, and that on some level, Lucien could hear her, or at least sense her presence. She brought his hand to her lips and kissed it gently. She slid her lips up to his forearm and kissed him there as well. Even before Jean and Lucien had become anything more than housekeeper and employer, Jean had secretly admired Lucien's forearms. Since he always wore three-piece suits, she attributed her fondness to the fact that his forearms were the only part of his body she had glimpsed on occasion. Even though she had seen much more of his body since they had become engaged, Jean was still enamored with his forearms. She had no idea how a small town doctor who drank so much was so muscular. She suspected he must do some type of exercise like push-ups when he was alone or at the station, but she didn't really care. She just knew she liked how well built he was and how safe she felt whenever he was nearby. Jean loved to run her fingers through the hair on his forearms. There was just something about the way his course hair, skin and muscles felt under her fingertips. It was just so masculine. Without thinking, Jean leaned over and brought Lucien's forearm to her face an inhaled deeply. She loved his scent. Usually, whenever she put her head on his chest and breathed him in, she would feel a sense of calm and security wash over her. Here, in this hospital room with Lucien clinging to life, it just made her feel more desperate and anxious. She just could not imagine a world without Lucien Blake.

Jean did not leave Lucien's side for the remainder of the day. She talked to him and told him she was ready to love him openly, with her whole heart. Now that she had finally accepted it herself, she told Lucien about loving him in a way she had never loved Christopher. Jean promised him that she would be much more attentive from now on. She told him about all the places she wanted to visit with him, and that she could not wait to be his wife. While she spoke to Lucien throughout the day, she would kiss him every so often. She rotated between his forehead, his cheek, his arm, his chest, and his lips. She even kissed all the exposed scars on his shoulders and upper arms. Seeing those scars reassured Jean for some reason. She guessed that the scars reminded her that he had been through hell before and survived. She pressed cold cloths to his forehead and laid them across his chest. The nurses came and went, and were very friendly toward Jean. Before Mattie left, she had told Jean once that all the nurses adored Lucien. He was one of the few doctors that treated them with respect and valued their opinions. Now his good nature and professionalism were paying off; the nurses could not have been more caring.

Alice finally came back later that evening. Although she half expected to find Jean asleep in the chair next to Lucien's bed, she was not all that surprised to see Jean holding Lucien's hand and whispering in his ear. Alice sighed, and finally said, "Jean, you have to say goodbye now. Visiting hours were over hours ago and it's time to go."

"Please Alice, don't make me leave him. Please."

Alice felt sorry for her friend, but she was also worried about her. "Jean, you need to get some rest. You need to go home and take care of yourself for a few hours. Have a bath and get some sleep." Alice, who usually was not the most tactful person, had refrained from telling Jean that she looked like a mess. She suspected that Jean would have climbed in the Ambo in that awful pink robe of hers if Alice had not told her to get dressed.

"Please Alice. I am so afraid to leave him. What if he…" Jean could not finish the sentence. A fresh set of tears streamed down her face.

Alice walked over to Jean and took her free hand in her own. "Jean," Alice said gently, "Lucien will be here in the morning. He has made it through the day, and he is a strong man. I plan to stay here tonight, so I will watch over him for you. We will be bringing him out of sedation tomorrow. Don't you want to look and feel your best for him when he wakes up? You can bring some of his things from home to make him feel more comfortable when you come back in the morning."

Jean just looked at Lucien as yet another tear trickled down her cheek. "I'll tell you what Jean," Alice continued. "If you go home tonight, I will see about bringing a cot into his room tomorrow night. You can take on some of the nurses' duties and help take care of him to justify staying overnight. Wouldn't you rather stay with Lucien while he was conscious? You are not going to be of any use to him if you end up as a patient here Jean."

With the promise of being able to stay with Lucien the following night, Jean finally gave in. She made Alice promise her that someone would check on Lucien at least every half hour, and that she would call her if his condition worsened. Her heart felt like it was breaking as she kissed Lucien one more time. She had to leave without looking back, and even then, she broke down as she walked out the door. Once again, she prayed that this would not be the last time she would see the love of her life alive.


	4. Chapter 4: No More Tears

Chapter 4: No More Tears

 **Jean has another epiphany in this chapter, and there is more Cec. Thank you again for all your kind reviews. There are so many wonderful DBM fanfics out there and a lot of discussion about different theories on Tumblr, it's hard to keep track of the sources sometimes. I have tried to work many of the popular ideas into this story for the sake of continuity, e.g., the studio being used as a future bedroom for Lucien and Jean. If I use one of your ideas and present it as my own, it is not intentional. Please send me a PM and I will make sure to give you credit. :o)**

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Jean went to the ladies room to splash some water on her face and to try to regain her composure. She did not recognize the woman staring back at her in the mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, she was not wearing a stitch of makeup, and her hair was a mess. No wonder Alice was so concerned about her.

Jean assumed Alice would give her a ride home, so she was surprised to see Cec waiting for her. It was a testament to her worry that Jean was not even embarrassed that Cec was seeing her at her absolute worse. She followed Cec out to his car and climbed in on the passenger side as he held the door open for her. Jean had always liked Cec; he was cut from a different cloth and was always so kind and chivalrous. He reminded her of Lucien in this way. As they pulled out of the hospital parking lot, Cec cleared his throat and began to talk to his passenger.

"Jean, I asked Dr. Harvey if I could give you a lift home because I want to talk to you about something."

Despite the state she was in, Jean was intrigued. Cec was not one to be chatty, so this was highly unusual.

"Do you remember me telling you earlier that Lucien had survived much worse?"

When Jean nodded, Cec went on. "I have a letter that Lucien's father gave me to safeguard, until Lucien had recovered enough from the war and was in a healthier state of mind. I was planning on giving it to Lucien once you two were married. I still plan on doing so, but I thought, given the circumstances, I would tell you a little about it now." Cec glanced over at Jean before going on. "The letter is from one of the senior officers who was a POW with Lucien. I won't go into all the details, but this officer described what Lucien was like in that horrible camp. He described Lucien as nothing short of a hero. He said Lucien was responsible for saving more lives than he could possibly count. Not only did Lucien provide medical care, but apparently, he put his own health at risk in order to take care of those around him."

Jean had to smile. "I guess he hasn't changed much then, has he?"

Cec only smirked and went on. " I am not sure how much you know about Lucien's experience in that camp and I hope he won't be cross with me for telling you this, but he really has been to hell and back Jean. This officer described some of the torture they endured; no part of their bodies were left untouched." Cec gave a nervous glance at Jean before continuing. "Apparently, Lucien would sacrifice himself to help some of the weaker prisoners. If Lucien thought another prisoner would not survive a beating, he would offer up his own body. He also enraged his captors and torturers on a fairly regular basis by providing medical care for certain prisoners, and stealing supplies for his comrades. This resulted in Lucien getting special treatment from his captors, and not in a good way Jean. The reason this officer sent the letter to Lucien's father is because he was sure Lucien was dead. He had received such a brutal beating and had been thrown into a tiny box for such a long time; this officer had given up on him. "

As they pulled up to the house, Cec walked around to the passenger's side, held his hand out to Jean and walked her to the front door. "I hope I did not upset you Jean. I just wanted to tell you about this letter to give you hope. I have to believe that if Lucien survived three and a half years in that horrific place, he can survive this. Plus, I believe he has more to live for now, so he will fight even harder to stay alive. " When Jean looked at him, Cec put his hand on her shoulder and smiled at her. "Jean, I have known Lucien his entire life. I never thought he would escape his demons after that war. You have done more for that man than you can possibly know; you have helped him heal Jean. I have never seen Lucien happier. He loves you and you have given him something to live for. I just don't think he is ready to leave you just yet."

Jean, who had cried more on this day than she had for the last five years combined, finally felt like she didn't have any tears left. She just squeezed Cec's hand and thanked him. She offered to make some tea or pour a whisky for Cec, but he politely declined. He knew Jean must be exhausted, so he said goodnight and left.

Although Charlie was in the kitchen, Jean was not surprised to find that the house felt empty. This place was just not a home without Lucien. The brief numbness that Jean felt earlier in the hospital had returned. Jean had been on such an emotional roller coaster for the last 24 hours, she was just too exhausted to feel anything at the moment. Although she did not have an appetite, Charlie was successful in getting her to eat some soup. He also poured Jean a sherry, which she drank in two gulps. He wanted to talk about the doc, but this was the longest he had seen Jean go without crying today and he did not want to upset her. Charlie could see that Jean was drained, so he told her he would clean up and that she should go to bed.

"Thank you Charlie." He really was a sweet young man. "I think I will have a bath first, and then try to see if I can get some sleep."

Jean undressed and climbed into the same bath she had made poor Lucien get into just this morning. Had so much really happened in just one day? Jean did not realize how much tension she was carrying until she felt some of it drift away. As she finally began to relax in the warm water, her thoughts drifted to the letter Cec had described. Once Jean had found out Lucien had been a POW, she had gone to the library and done a little research on her own. Jean was still just the housekeeper then, and Lucien certainly was not going to share his experiences with her. She thought she might gain some insight into her employer and understand more about why he had such horrible nightmares. The little information she did find upset her so much; she decided she might not want to know all the gruesome details. Lucien and Jean danced around the topic from time to time, but Lucien always seemed to change the subject before they got into any serious discussion. She had seen some movies about the war and POW camps, but she knew they were not entirely accurate.

In Jean's mind, Lucien's time as a POW had somehow always seemed to have happened in another lifetime or to some other man. Until this evening, the reality had never really hit her. The letter Cec spoke of changed all that, and for the first time Jean could actually picture Lucien being harmed. Jean felt slightly nauseated. The thought of Lucien being in pain was disturbing enough, but to think that men had purposely tortured her sweet, caring Lucien was more than she could bear. Cec had mentioned that no part of his body was left untouched. With a gasp, Jean fully understood what Cec was talking about and why he looked slightly embarrassed as he said it. Surely they could not have really hurt him… _there?_

Jean felt completely sick to her stomach now. How could such a kind, decent man be put through so much pain? How could a loving god let something like that happen? While she did not agree with Lucien's views, Jean could at least understand why he had lost faith. For the second time that day, Jean had a moment of clarity. Why was Jean waiting to be married before she slept with Lucien? They both loved each other and would already be married if it were not for a bureaucratic legal system. If something happened to Lucien before they were intimate, she would never forgive herself. Lying in the bath, Jean knew she would not make him wait any longer. Lucien had experienced more malevolence and more pain in his lifetime than most people could possibly imagine. Jean was the one person on Earth that could provide Lucien with the pleasure he craved and deserved. She vowed that she would make up for making him wait to experience what they both desired more than anything in the world. Jean promised to focus on what was truly important in her life. After a day like today, gossip seemed so trivial, and Jean was not even worried about feeling guilty. After all, if God could look the other way while those monsters did unspeakable things to the man she loved, then surely He could look the other way while Jean did things with Lucien that would make him glad he had survived. A rare smile spread across Jean's face. She had more material to work with for tomorrow; if telling Lucien that she wanted to sleep with him did not make him want to fight harder, then nothing would.

Freshly bathed and dressed only in her old pink robe, Jean opened the door and walked into Lucien's room. She was relieved that Evelyn had followed her instructions and had not touched anything, especially his bed. Taking off her robe, Jean slid in between Lucien's sheets naked. While she used the extra pillow as a headrest, Jean clutched the one Lucien used to her chest. She buried her face in it and inhaled deeply. Lucien's scent was so strong, Jean closed her eyes and imagined he was lying next to her. These sheets, Lucien's sheets, felt so good against her bare skin. She hoped that the next time she was in this bed, Lucien would be naked beside her. Now that she had made the decision that she would give her body to Lucien before marriage, she could not wait to be with him. Despite her worry and exhaustion, Jean felt desire surge through her body. Her last thought before drifting off to sleep was, 'Please Lucien, hurry up and get better."


	5. Chapter 5: Awake

Chapter 5: Awake

The first thing Jean did the next morning was phone the hospital to check on Lucien. Alice assured her that his condition had not worsened and that they were not planning to take him out of sedation until later that morning. Although Alice thought Lucien probably would not regain consciousness until later that evening at the earliest, she knew Jean would be very upset if she was not there when he awoke.

Jean bathed again and then had a light breakfast with Charlie. Charlie cleaned up the kitchen, while Jean packed a bag with clothing and personal items that would make both her and Lucien more comfortable at the hospital over the next few days. Although she had been upset with Alice for making her leave Lucien's side last night, she had to admit the baths, food, and rest had done wonders for her. She felt much better today and even though she was nervous, she dared to hope a little too.

Charlie dropped Jean off at the hospital, where she went straight to Lucien's room. She thought he had a little more color and felt a little cooler, but she knew that it could just be wishful thinking on her part. Alice told her that they would be bringing him out of sedation within the hour, so Jean just continued her vigil from the day before. The nurses were busy taking vital signs and preparing for the doctor to bring him out of sedation, so in between kisses, Jean just stroked his beard and ran her fingers through his hair. She loved Lucien's hair and hoped that running her fingers through it was as calming to Lucien as it was to her.

Before long, Alice came into the room with one of the nurses who had been so kind to Jean the day before. The nurse smiled at Jean; the young lady could not believe how much better the poor woman looked today. Alice asked Jean if she could wait in the corridor for a few minutes. Noticing Jean's concerned expression, Alice said they needed to do one last thing before taking Lucien off the sedatives. "Please Jean, this is in Lucien's best interest and I will come out and talk to you when we are finished."

True to her word, Alice found Jean in the corridor no more than five minutes later.

"What was that all About Alice?" She couldn't understand why Alice had asked her to leave the room.

Alice just replied, "I will tell you one night, when Lucien has recovered and you and I are tipsy on sherry." Ignoring the puzzled look on Jean's face, Alice went on, "Now, the only thing standing between me and a few hours of sleep is removing the tube that's pumping the sedative into your future husband. Jean, when I remove the needle, Lucien is not just going to pop awake. In fact, he will probably continue to sleep for several hours, so don't be alarmed. When he does wake up, he will most likely be very groggy and confused. Just talk to him until he is more clear-headed. Some patients are agitated because they can't quite figure out what is happening to them. This is why it's so important to talk to him and try to keep him calm until he is fully awake."

It had been three hours since Alice had removed the tube and left to get some much needed sleep. Jean had not seen much change in Lucien and, despite Alice's counsel; Jean could not help being a little concerned. Jean continued her routine of talking to Lucien and kissing him throughout the morning. Jean was waiting for a nurse who was taking another blood pressure reading to leave the room. She had decided it was time to tell Lucien that she was planning to sleep with him as soon as he was healthy enough to have sex. Jean could feel the heat rise in her cheeks at just the thought of being with Lucien in that way.

The nurse removed the cuff from Lucien's arm, smiled at Jean, and left the room. Jean pulled her chair as close to Lucien's bed as she could and leaned in so she could whisper in his ear without worry of being overheard. With her hand on his cheek, Jean began telling him how sorry she was for making him wait so long. She told him that she was ready to share his bed and made sure he knew she meant she wanted to do more than just share his bed. She described what she wanted to do to him, and what she wanted him to do to her. Although Jean did not fully believe Lucien could hear her, she still blushed as she talked to him in a way she never had before. She ended every statement with, "All you have to do is wake up my love."

Jean was in the middle of talking to Lucien in this manner, one hand on his cheek and the other holding his hand, when she thought she felt a slight squeeze of his hand. Jean held her breath and her heart seemed to skip several beats. "Lucien! Can you hear me?" She could swear she felt something. "Please Lucien, come back to me." Another squeeze, maybe a little more firm this time. "Oh Lucien, you're okay sweetheart. I'm here with you. You are very sick, but it is time for you to wake up. _Please!_ " Relief spread through Jean's body as she felt Lucien squeeze her hand and let out a moan. He was trying to wake up! She squeezed his hand and rubbed his cheek as she continued to tell him that he was okay and just needed to wake up. More tears trickled down Jean's cheeks, but these were tears of pure joy.

Lucien finally opened his eyes and smiled at Jean, but it took almost an hour until he was completely lucid. Even then, he said he still felt a bit hazy. Jean had helped him brush his teeth; one of Lucien's first requests, and then must have kissed him a hundred times in less than an hour. Even in his dazed state, Lucien was pleasantly surprised that Jean, who was always so reserved and proper, did not seem to care who came in the room and saw them kissing. Lucien could not remember much after he had fallen asleep the night before he was rushed to the hospital, so Jean filled him in on everything that had happened since. "Oh Jean, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to worry you and upset you so much," Lucien said as he stroked Jean's cheek. "Thank you for taking such good care of me."

Alice smiled at the scene before her and coughed to let Jean and Lucien know they were not alone anymore. She had discovered them in the middle of a passionate kiss; Jean leaning over Lucien with his arms around her. "It's good to see you awake Lucien." Alice would never tell Jean how relieved she was. "You certainly seem to be feeling better. You gave us all quite a scare mister. Jean absolutely refused to leave your side and I thought we were going to have to add the future Mrs. Blake as a patient too." Lucien pulled Jean's hand to his mouth and kissed it softly. "I only convinced her to leave by telling her I would work out a way to bring a cot into your room tonight." As if on cue, two nurses rolled a small cot into the room and set it up next to Lucien's bed.

Once Alice had checked Lucien's vital signs and was satisfied he was on his way to a full recovery, she bid them both goodnight and left the room. Jean and Lucien held each other, kissed and talked into the evening. Jean told him that this ordeal had opened her eyes, and promised to love him with her whole heart for the rest of her life. Lucien could see that Jean was still slightly ashamed when she told him about loving Lucien in a way she had never loved her first husband. Out of respect for Jean, Lucien attempted to hide his elation at hearing this, and told her that he loved Jean more than any woman he had ever known, dead or alive. He was not ashamed to admit this: he realized long ago that he never loved Mei Lin as much as he loved Jean. Now that Lucien was awake, Jean lost her nerve and was too embarrassed to tell him what she had been whispering to him all afternoon long. She decided she would wait to tell him when he was home.

Jean could tell that Lucien was fighting sleep just so he could keep holding her and talking to her. She was exhausted too, but like Lucien, she did not want to let go. After all, this time last night, Jean was unsure if she would ever see Lucien's blue eyes, or hear his voice again. She knew Lucien needed his rest, so she finally kissed him goodnight and climbed into the cot with his hand still in hers. Just as sleep was about to overtake Jean, she heard Lucien say her name. When she said she was still awake, Lucien continued to speak, and Jean could tell he was smiling. "Jean, I promise I will get healthy as fast as I can. I will be even stronger than I was before." With a chuckle, Lucien continued, "After all, I will have to be so I can keep up with you in bed."

Jean laughed out loud and knew she must be the brightest shade of red possible. Trying to prove to Lucien that she really had changed and was serious, she just responded in a sexy voice, "Don't make promises you cant keep mister. I plan to hold you to them."

A few minutes later, they were both asleep, hand in hand, with smiles spread across both their faces.

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 **Thank you again for all your support for my first ever FanFic. I was panning to write more chapters, but I think I will end it here. I may write a few short stories based on some of the events in this one, but that will depend on feedback. I really hope you enjoyed this and thanks again :o)**


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